Waiting on His promise

Being a Mommy can be one of the most rewarding and the most challenging things I have ever experienced. I can't imagine my life without my little bear but sometimes I am scared to death and think to myself  'what am I doing?! I'm responsible for another human being!' Life has it's ups and downs for sure, Mommy-hood has it's mountains and valleys.

Carter is my greatest accomplishment.  I mean that in every sense of the word. My husband and I went through a lot before he finally entered this world and changed our lives forever.

I was pregnant 2 years before Carter's arrival in July of 2012. It was July 2010 when I found out I was pregnant and I was over the moon excited. I honestly couldn't believe it! Up until that point I never could imagine myself actually pregnant...maybe that sounds crazy. But I couldn't wrap my mind around it for the first few weeks. I remember going to my In laws with pee stick (hahaha) in hand to tell them the news. I printed out 'Pregnancy by week' because I couldn't wait to go get the book. I remember being irritated when people would ask me if I had felt the "flurries" yet. What flurries? Typical. If there's anyone that won't feel the flurries, it would be me. Oh well.

My 9 week checkup was nearing and we were to hear the heartbeat. My husband wasn't able to go because of work, I was disappointed but understood. They weren't able to pick up on the heartbeat but said not to worry, it wasn't too uncommon for that to happen this early on so they scheduled me for the next week to try again.  The next week my husband was able to come with me and we were both so excited!! I laid on the bed for what seemed forever while she lubed my stomach and explained what she was about to do and what it would feel like, etc.  The moment was here, and I almost couldn't stand it I was so excited!  I even thought for a moment that maybe they would pick up on two heartbeats!  Being a twin myself, an identical twin, the possibility for twins was there.  There are twins on both sides of our family, and my husband even told me he was praying for twins. Ha!  I can still remember the look on the nurses face while she frantically tried to pick up the heart beat. My husband was sitting across the room and I shot him a look, I must have looked terrified because he jumped out of his seat to stand next to the table. The nurse excused herself and came back with my doctor. He did the same as the nurse before him did, moved around my stomach to try to pick up a heartbeat. It wasn't long before he said, "well, what has happened is what we call an early term miscarriage..." He said several things after that but I honestly couldn't tell you what else he said. I could feel my stomach in my throat. Before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably and the nurse kept handing me Kleenex. We walked past the checkout desk and left. I couldn't even grasp what had just happened. I had walked into my appointment a Mommy, and walked out child-less.  I was almost 11 weeks pregnant.

The next several months I walked around in a haze. Excuse me if I sound 'dramatic', if I wouldn't have suffered a miscarriage I'm afraid I would be thinking the same thing. But...I lost my baby. The baby that without even knowing the gender, I had named. My baby had a name. My baby had a future with me and my husband. My baby was due in April, a few days shy of my birthday. My life lost  meaning.

We decided almost 3 or 4 months later to start trying again. Unlike before, I was determined this time. My poor husband. Ha! Also unlike before, it didn't happen immediately. Actually, we tried for 6 months, nothing. Some would say that's normal, and maybe it is. But you also have to understand that we were doing everything possible to get pregnant, and it wasn't happening. I knew my ovulation days and would freak out if Justin had to work late, I mean, FREAK out. See what I mean, my poor poor husband. Finally, after being prompted by my mother, I went back to my doctor to see if he could help. He ran some tests, took some blood, etc. The results came in about a week later and guess what, I wasn't releasing eggs. Whaaaaaatttt!?!? Why?!?!?!? Ugh!! Ok, so now what? He promptly put me on progesterone (which blew me up like a blimp) to help my body release the eggs. We'll see what this does.

It was almost a year later and we still weren't pregnant.  It was then I decided that God was punishing me for something I had done in the past.  It was either that or he was trying to teach me a lesson.  Either way I didn't want to hear any of what He was trying to tell me. I yearned for a baby. That's all I could think about.  I couldn't understand why me, a good Christian woman couldn't get pregnant.  Women and young girls got pregnant all the time, and on accident!  I went to church, I didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't do any type of drug, I paid my tithes, I had a job…so I started bargaining with God.  If I join the choir, You have to let me get pregnant.  I mean, there was obviously something He wanted me to do that I wasn't doing or hadn't done.  If I run around the church tonight during song service, then will You let me get pregnant?  That's completely out of my comfort zone, surely that will work.  Those thoughts really happened.  I didn't know what else to do!  I cried a lot and stayed angry a lot. I was angry with God, my family for, what I thought, not understanding like I thought they should.

Meanwhile, my Sister gets married and 6 months later....yep, she's pregnant. I've since apologized to her but I couldn't even be happy for her. I was so mad at her! She knew, she KNEW all that I had been through! Then she's gonna get pregnant??!! How selfish of her. Right? I get a lump in my throat thinking of all the ways I envied and sometimes hated her during her pregnancy. I hate myself for it. I hate that I never rubbed her belly, I hate that I never wanted to feel Chloe kick. I can't take it back but I am ashamed, so ashamed.

It was nearing the end of October 2011 and I can remember just being fed up with everything. We were having financial struggles, and it just seemed that everything was going wrong. I remember exactly where I was when I pulled my car over and beat, BEAT the steering wheel of my car until my hand was blood red and throbbing. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I shook my fist up at God and demanded he tell me why. Why he chose me to go through this trial, why he was allowing us to go through financial struggles, why he wouldn't just let me get pregnant! I told him that we went to church every Sunday, we paid our tithes, we were involved in areas of the church, and that I had paid my dues. I wanted him to tell my WHY. I demanded that he tell me audibly! I sat there awhile and then finally drove off. I had no idea, but I was already pregnant.

12 weeks!

I didn't want to share the news as quickly as I did the first time but I also didn't want to give in to fear, I believed this was God's promise fulfilled to us. This was what I had sobbed and prayed for the past year and a half. This is what I laid at the alter for until my face was swollen and splotchy. I needed to claim it!

My pregnancy was a dream. I never puked, had minimal morning sickness and didn't put on a lot of weight. My husband wanted a boy so when we found out it WAS a boy we were both ecstatic. We already had a name. The same name we had picked out for his brother. Carter Samuel Gage. July couldn't get here fast enough and I was already planning the night time songs I would sing to him, how I would dress him, how I would fix his hair...I had everything down to his nursery ready for his arrival.

6 months pregnant 

On July 16, 2012 at 10:06pm, Carter Samuel Gage entered this world. And he was perfect.

Love at first sight

I still struggle with 'God's timing' because it's not MY timing, but His timing is perfect. We had Carter at a time when I was able to stay at home with him. I wouldn't have been able to 2 years earlier. Besides that, I can NOT imagine my life without this baby. He completes our family in every way. I think of his brother or sister almost every day and I can't wait to see him or her in Heaven. I truly look forward to it. Until then, I've got a baby to raise down here on Earth. He is God's gift to us and we will forever be grateful.

Newborn pictures

Carter and Chloe

Napping with Daddy

6 month checkup 

1 year pictures

1 year pictures 

1 year pictures 

Do any of you have a story to tell of Gods promise fulfilled in your life?? If you do, I would love to hear it!