Most of you may not realize, but the month of May is 'Better Hearing and Speech' month. This particular "awareness" has for as long as I can remember, held a special place in my heart. I have 1 brother and 1 sister and all have us have struggled and still struggle with our speech. The term that would be used is that we have a 'stutter'.
According to the NIDCD (National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders) roughly 3 million Americans stutter & approximately 5% of children will stutter at some point in their lives, lasting from a few weeks to several years. It most often occurs in children from ages 2-5, while they are developing their language skills. Boys are twice as likely to stutter than girls; as they get older, however, the number of boys who continue to stutter is three to four times larger than the number of girls. Most children outgrow stuttering. About 1 percent or less of adults stutter. Yep. That's me. I'm one of the adults that help make up that smaaallll percentage. Well, me and my two siblings.
Growing up I avoided confrontation like the plague. I did not like talking on the phone, for some reason that made my stutter the absolute worst. To this day I don't like calling in a pizza. Lol! I reserve that job for my awesomely understanding husband. Which, I HAVE to add, that having Justin in my life, I could not be more blessed. He has stood by me so many times, and waited what seemed like forever, for me to get out what I was trying to say. He's such a good sport. Hehehe.
I went to speech therapy for years and even went through a few therapists. I learned techniques that I still use today that help me in moments where I panic and I can feel my stutter rising. The last therapist I went to announced that I was "cured" bc I did not stutter one time the entire session. Long story short, I wasn't cured. I did learn something about myself and my speech though. My stutter was more or less 'non-existent' when around people that didn't know about my stutter. Weird, right? Once I eventually slipped up around that person and my secret was out, it was down hill from there. So, I've spent years and years....and years of my life, hiding this 'shameful secret'. I can't let anyone know or that will send me into a downward spiral!!! The videos I used to watch would tell me that the best way to get rid of my stutter is to let people know, announce it, own it. No way.
I applied for a job at 19 years old that would put me on the phone for 8 hours a day. It was a telephone banker position with Chase and I applied to get my foot in the door with Chase. A telephone banker is kind of the bottom of the totem pole position but you're able to work yourself up. I literally cried every day for the first 3 months. I begged my Mom to let me quit the job and told her that I promised I would find another better, higher paying job. Anything but a telephone banking job. My Stepdad pleaded with her for me, lol. She wouldn't hear of it. My Mom had worked for Chase several years and had a huge hand in getting me the job. Besides that, she believed in me. She believed it would eventually get better and that it was good for me, sort of a therapy in a weird way. I was a telephone banker for almost 2 years and while I would love to tell you that the "therapy" cured me, I can't. I hated that job off and on for 2 years. I would stutter so bad at times with customers that I would disconnect the call. I even had customers ask me point blank, "Do you have a stutter?" or, "Are you ok?". I was mortified. But for every rude customer I would have 2 incredibly and surprisingly supportive customers that would tell me how amazed they were that I would actually put myself out there like that. Some of them stuttered in the past and knew how difficult phone conversations were. I even had some customers give me tips!! All in all that job was the best therapy for me and I wouldn't trade those 2 years for anything. I learned so much about myself and I was even proud of myself!
Like the NIDCD states, my brothers stutter has always been far worse than me and my sisters. Me and my sister are both 29 years old and most of the time have it under control with only a few bad spells every once in awhile. My brother just turned 20 and he still struggles with his stutter. It completely and utterly breaks my heart at times watching him try to get a word out. I think more so because I know how he feels! I have asked God before to take his stutter away and give it to me. I'm married and I am able to stay home with our son so I'm not faced with the day to day struggles that he faces with working and going to school. But I know that like me, he's going to be a better person because of it. I just trust that God knows best, and He does!
What makes this month special besides it being National speech month is that my brothers birthday is May 1st! That's just like God, He has such a good sense of humor. No, not everyone that has a speech impediment also has a birthday in May, but my brother is special. He's special because unlike me and my sister, he has NEVER let his stutter hold him back. I mean, this kid has got guts. He will walk up to a perfect (pretty) stranger and start dropping pick up lines like nobody's business, stutter and all. He has always amazed me. He owns his stutter, he doesn't let it own him. I wish wish I could be like that.
We had our monthly youth service last night and my husband, who happens to be the youth pastor, announced that we had a special speaker. I quickly scanned the room looking for anyone that looked to be over 25 or at least had some gray hairs. Nope. My brother walks to the pulpit. My heart sinks. Not because I'm not happy he's our special speaker, but because I'm soo worried that he's going to stutter!! How humiliating. I could and would NEVER do that in fear that I might slip up. I immediately start praying. My prayer is halted when I hear his voice. I listen in awe as he says in broken, chopped up words, "I just wanted to warn or let any of you know that don't know this about me already, I stutter. I'm going to get through this, but if I stop talking for a second or even a minute, I'm ok. Hahahaha. I promise. I'm just trying to get it out." Y'all. Tears filled my eyes. He continues to give a testimony about how he received the Holy Ghost at our Holiday Youth Convention trip on Easter weekend. How God changed his life and freed him from his addictions. He went on to talk about the importance of God and how nothing, absolutely nothing should come before God. Not work, school, girls, boys...nothing. What might have taken me our you 3-4 minutes to say, took him around 10 minutes. But he didn't care. He had a testimony that he felt God wanted him to share so he did. He laughed at himself through out the 10 minutes and joked saying, "give me a minute, I'll get it", and "I'm ok, promise".
Watching him struggle and push through, refusing to give up, inspired me so much. How much have I missed out on by being afraid of what others might think about me or worrying they will discover my 'shameful secret'. Why is it shameful? God has allowed this struggle for a reason. I will admit that I don't know completely what that reason is yet but I do know that it has helped shape me and mold me into the person I am today. I'm a stronger person because of my stutter. How am I going to use that strength? I haven't used it thus far, but that stops today. I will never know my full potential in life and with God if I don't just accept it, quit hiding it, use it and own it. I never would have imagined that my brother, my little baby brother, would inspire me like he has. He is my unlikely hero.
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